Answering the Question: Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Thinking about the dissonance between the values we try to communicate and the behaviors we use to convey them.

Typing one-handed this morning as my left-hand is carrying some very precious cargo.

There’s no better way to start the day than with a whole wheat everything flagel with scallion cream cheese, onions, and nova. It’s also a great way to ensure nobody will infringe on my personal space for 24-48 hours. And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Coming to you from 787 Coffee in Greenpoint this morning, and I’m as surprised to learn I’m in New York City as you are. In the midst of a wild itinerary of East Coast travel, I was supposed to be up in Providence yesterday, but unfortunately the folks I was going to visit (all of them!) have tested positive for COVID. Obviously, it’s not the time for a visit. So instead of heading up there, I skipped my connecting flight from New York City and popped out at LaGuardia to spend a sneaky little night in the city.

As much as I love seeing friends and family, it’s sometimes a nice reprieve to get time in New York that’s just for me. Being from Long Island and having lived in the City for a decade, there’s just so many people who want a slice of my time when they know I’m coming to town. And I want to share it with them! But when I don’t have a lot of time to give, those experiences end up draining me much more than they fill me up. Can you relate?

It was nice to just be to navigate the city at my own pace with no appointments to make, popping in and out of shops and cafes, touching grass, and filling my own cup (literally, as I’m already on my second coffee of the day).

Now, I’m caffeinated and ready to write.

What values were instilled in you growing up?

Answering the Question: Message vs. Messenger

First, some accountability: I was absolute shit at holding to my practice this week. Between visiting family and some travel, I didn’t make an effort to protect my time enough to allow for journaling. And let’s be clear: that’s okay! Journaling isn’t meant to be homework. When you treat it like that, and I certainly have in the past, you make it a chore. When it comes time to write, you end up approaching it from a place of frustration, robbing yourself of the space to explore, instead focusing simply on getting something, anything on paper that can count as “journaling.”

Perhaps that sounds like I’m make a value judgement about that type of journaling, but I don’t intend to. My point is that there are times we write to explore, and times we write of obligation. From my own experience, the latter tends to be performative, and done to check a box, not to serve yourself. Why do something if it’s not going to fulfill?

But I’m losing the plot…

What resonated with me the most this week was not necessarily the values I learned, but the dissonance between those values and the way they were taught and communicated to me. Oftentimes, the true lessons required a bit of reading between the lines of the messenger’s actions. Hence, do as they said and not as they did.

I found myself thinking about Teddy Roosevelt and his Big Stick diplomacy here (hang with me). Remember the saying there? “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” The way values were passed to me was a bit the opposite, “Speak loudly and forget the stick.”

There were most definitely attempts to convey values around hard work, charity, compassion and taking care of one’s self. But these were not always conveyed in ways that were in concert with one another. Sometimes, a lesson in personal care would be delivered via hurtful diatribe (where was the compassion?). A lesson in charity delivered by providing for others but neglecting familial needs. The underlying ideas were worthy of passing down and are things I value today, but the method made them hard to extract. With the space and grace of time, I can see enough to extract the content without losing it to the context, but it was credibly painful when it happened. Fascinating to me that even those things we hope to deliver with the best of intentions can be offered in torn packaging.

Something for the Weekend

Has anyone watched Couples Therapy on Showtime? I’m about to dive in after reading this article from Orna Guralnik in The New York Times. Give the article a read if you haven’t, as she offers some really interesting stories and perspectives on relationships. An excerpt I enjoyed:

One of the most difficult challenges for couples is getting them to see beyond their own entrenched perspectives, to acknowledge a partner’s radical otherness and appreciate difference and sovereignty. People talk a good game about their efforts, but it’s quite a difficult psychological task. To be truly open to your partner’s experience, you must relinquish your conviction in the righteousness of your own position; this requires humility and the courage to tolerate uncertainty. Coming to see the working of implicit biases on us, grasping that our views are contingent on, let’s say, our gender, class background or skin color, is a humbling lesson. It pushes us beyond assuming sameness, opening up the possibility of seeing our partner’s point of view.

Let me know what you think, and see you Sunday!

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