The Fifty-Fourth Question: Expanding and Contracting Your Network
Relationships come and go. What does your circle look like?
Welp, not only is it the last question of March, it’s the last day of March and the last day of the first quarter of 2024. Marking this as a significant moment for myself, as I’ve broken down my goals for the year into quarters, instead of thinking about year-long plans.
I had a mix of major and minor goals for Q1. The latter was a mixed bag performance-wise, but the first two were all that really mattered: finish my first marathon, and finish my book proposal. You already know I did the former. As I write to you today, I’m proud to say I’ve accomplished the latter, too.
This was nearly a down-to-the-wire effort, but I placed my final keystroke on it on March 28 and started shipping it to agents (well, just one) on March 29. It feels amazing. I’m so proud of myself for developing an actual plan to see this through to completion and for executing on it. My friend Richelle’s Book Proposal Blueprint course was a huge help in giving my efforts structure, so if you’re an aspiring writer I suggest you check her program out. Plus she gives the most affirming validation a writer could ever dream of receiving.
Imposter Syndrome vanishes really quickly with feedback like that. Imagine if you all left that same feedback as a comment on this week’s question? Just an idea.
Answering the Question
Last week’s prompt, about where we’ve fallen short in friendships, led to an interesting reflection process for me. As opposed to other prompts, where the writing usually comes easy, I really had to sit and dig through my memories to try to unearth the answer to this question. Why? Because I was probably so embarrassed by falling short that I had blocked the episodes from my mind. Nobody wants to play back all the times they’ve failed their friends, right?
In writing and reflecting, I came across two “trends” and two specific episodes.
The trends:
Maintaining friendships for too long. This is the people-pleaser in me showing up. Those of you who are reading this and know me offline know that I have a fairly large network (see: 14 weddings in a year). Don’t get me wrong, I love that for me. It’s a blessing to be surrounded by wonderful people. But some of those relationships (to be clear, very few) have stuck around for much longer than they should, in a way that does a disservice to both parties. We aren’t actively doing harm, but we aren’t really building a relationship any more. That might look like mutual bread-crumbing or ghosting, but it also might look like apathetic hangouts and check-in calls. Those efforts take up time and energy that would be better invested in being in community with those people we both truly care about.
Assuming familiarity too soon. Perhaps, in a bid to build close friendships, I have tried to create shorthand too quickly and overstepped my relationship capital. Think of this as a joke that goes “too far, too soon.” A few episodes came to mind where I probably assumed license around intent that I had yet to earn and thus inflicted harm. Whenever I realized that I apologized and tried to rectify the situation, but it doesn’t mean I learned the lesson from the first instance.
The episodes:
A few years after college two of my closest friends dated. As the person who averaged the closest connection to both, I became the chief ombudsman between their relationship and the general public. So much so that I made a website that answered the question of whether or not they were dating. It didn’t start a fight, but it definitely left a sour taste that impacted those friendships for the short-term. I was centering myself and using their (short-lived) relationship for a bit. Not the best look.
The specifics are lost to memory, but I recall, due to jealousy, a series of fights with a close friend in high school. Both academic high achievers, I think I was jealous because I knew she was more talented than me. Rather than admit that, we battled (and it was my fault).
The Fifty-Fourth Question
Closing out the month with our last question on friendship. Not sure yet if we’ll be bringing a theme to April, so stayed tuned to see what I have in store for you.
How has your circle of friends evolved over time?
Were these changes intentional, or did they occur naturally?
In either case, what prompted these changes? Were you responding to events or leading them?
Are there changes you regret making, or not making?
With everything you’ve learned about your relationship to friendship this month, do you perceive yourself changing this circle in the near future?
This Week’s Jam: Cowboy Carter x Prince
No Prince track this week. Instead, we’re honoring the release of Beyonce’s Cowboy Carter album and spotlighting her 2004 Grammy performance (how was this TWENTY YEARS AGO) with The Purple One. Iconic. That is all.
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See you next Sunday Cowboys and Cowgirls.